The only way to have a friend is to be one.

Dear Emma

I've been wanting to write to you about friendship. About friendly faces.

Frenemies, even.

Most importantly I want to write to you about being a friend.

Perhaps I've been lucky.

I have never not had a friend.

I have never not had someone to call on to join me for a walk or a drink.

At school, I never spent a lunch break alone. I wasn't ever bullied and I never waited until last to be picked for any team.

Just this morning I realized how strange it is that now, in my mid 30's, I should suddenly struggle with loneliness and fitting in.

The theme in my life over the last 8 years seems to be this: Seek the lesson in the loss.

What is the universe teaching me?

What skill will I acquire as I live this experience?

Raising a girl child, I am trying to be grateful for this season.

Children can be cruel. The playground a minefield.

And so, although later on in my life and albeit hard, I hope that as I too learn more about friendship, I am equipped to better guide and support you should you ever find yourself sitting on the side lines, alone.

Already, I think that the last 2 years have tested and strengthened my core values: Kindness, calmness and trust.

I know I've said it often before, but isn't it amazing how it always applies? BE KIND.

If you learn nothing from me, please just always try to remember the importance of being a kind person. It will bring you so much joy and peace.

It will bring you friendship and opportunities and it will allow you to treat others with grace.

You no doubt know my dearest and closest friends.

I am proud of the women I will introduce you to and if you're very lucky you too will find these soul mates to navigate life with.

I have a soul friend from each season of my life.

These are the girls I met along my journey and are now the women whom I love and respect and support and lean on.

There's the girl next door, the primary school bestie, the friend I met dating, the friend I gained through marriage and the friend I found through divorce.

We have seen one another shine and we have seen one another broken.

We pick up the pieces together.

We have gone through champagne and cheap shots.

We have gone camping and 5 star.

Graduations and first loves.

Breakups and makeups.

Weddings, divorces, pregnancies, babies lost, babies born, death.

There are so many life experiences I would never have survived without them.

Now, something I figured out early on, is that equally as important as these firm friends is the need to be friendly and open to others. Again, read: kindness.

A smile to a stranger.

A kind word to an acquaintance.

A friendly chat at the water cooler.

Geniality has meant that I always had a friend in class. Someone to pass a note to ahead of an exam when my lunch time buddy wasn't in that same class.

It meant that work was always a fun place to go to and that my colleagues became people I enjoyed being with after 5pm.

It got me invitations to parties and coffees.

It gave me access to conversations and points of view that taught me empathy for others and showed me a different way.

It gave me a sense of community.

Another lesson I've learnt more recently, is that ...women and girls generally alienate one another when they act from a place of suspicion.

It's difficult, but try not to let the world and the women who throw you the side eye taint your ability to remain kind.

Kindness will buy you company, and kindness will allow you to remain neutral. Neutrality is necessary in a world where others see ghosts in the shadows.

If your intentions are good, then the suspicions of others need not offend you.

Understand that they do not trust you because of their own unique set of experiences. Somebody has let them down or betrayed them.

Stay kind.

Perhaps they will never accept you. That's okay.

Because maybe, just maybe, in experiencing your grace, they will learn that the world is not so dark.

When you encounter these people, be mindful and listen to your inner voice.

You will know when to back off... Hopefully not at the cost of your warmth.

Living as an expat, I am yet to meet my tribe here.

I have met incredible women.

I have been shown great kindness.

I have also been treated with paranoid suspicion. And, a fish out of water, I have met others with the same.

Women who are weary will sometimes use you as currency to gain a sense of belonging with others.

If you can remain empathetic and mindful of where they are possibly coming from (pain), then that's alright.

The first year or two of expat living can and has been hard on me.

Some of what I have shared in confidence, about my personal life and struggles have been repeated back to me by sources I had never discussed them with.

I am still navigating this stage and so I don't know that my way is the right way.

What I have decided is this: I can have no regrets. If I met and shared because it felt safe, then that taught the audience something of my vulnerability.

If people talk out of your home, it's unfortunate.

But, if what they are saying is the truth then so what.

It may not have been their truth to tell, but truth always teaches and learning is always growth. If it's at my expense, I learned a valuable lesson. And if the story is out, perhaps someone else will learn something too.

I will never share some of those truths in the same circle again; lack of trust is catching see. But, I will remain kind.

My darling, the world can be a really hard place.

Find people who make it a little gentler.

And be someone's safe place. It's truly an honor.

You will know your people when you find them.

I like to believe that there are far more women championing one another today, and you are likely to find yourself in their company if you are one of them.

I wish for you, a friend for every season.

I wish for you, connections that run deep and someone to whisper your secrets to.

I hope you have at least 2 people who will help you "bury the body".

I hope you grow up to have a girl friend who shows up with a treat and story and who shares your wardrobe.

I hope you have someone with whom to share inside jokes that make you giggle inappropriately at serious events.

I hope you know a set of arms to enfold you when you lose the job/the guy/the pet/the parent.

For the rest, be a nice person and the others will follow.

And please, try to remember: The mean girls don't exist. The damaged ones do.

All my love, Mommy XO